Surviving a Breakup: 7 Tips to Help You Recover

If you are reading this post, you are probably in the throes of a painful breakup, and it’s one you did not anticipate. The grief and heartache are unbearable, and you are trying to process a million different feelings at once. You feel like you are on some sort of terrifying rollercoaster ride of emotions—one minute you are furious and the next minute you are sobbing. Some mornings you might wake up and ask yourself, “How could this have happened?” Trying to make sense of your grief leaves you feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Grieving consumes a great deal of mental energy, which makes it a struggle just to get through the day. Another energy zapper has to do with the all-consuming thoughts of getting back together. Most likely, on some level, you were aware that the relationship was not working and you were not completely happy. However, when we lose someone we love, it is tempting to idealize the happy memories and to edit out the negative ones.

Right now you might feel quite hopeless, but there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. In fact, you will not only survive this breakup, but you will develop greater resilience and build back your self-esteem. Take the time you need to grieve and remember that there is no “one-size-fits-all” roadmap to healing.

Here are 7 tips to help you navigate your recovery: 

1. Gather your support team.
   Seek out supportive friends who will listen to you patiently, without judging your experience. These are the friends who accept you where you are. Unfortunately, sometimes, well-meaning friends are anxious to offer their “sage” advice. The last thing you need is to listen to other people’s opinions and negative thoughts. This is about you right now. Unwanted advice only serves to amplify resentment and hurt. Feeling angry and resentful ramps up your nervous system, causing you added stress and anxiety. Surround yourself with people who offer encouragement and compassion. Even though setting boundaries can be challenging, give yourself permission to limit contact with people who stress you.

2. Get on board with neuroscience.
   Our brains are magnificently sophisticated—fundamentally, we are hardwired to connect deeply with others. As a result, breakups leave us brokenhearted. Scientific research demonstrates that our brains process relationship breakups in the same way that we experience physical pain. Renowned biological researcher Helen Fisher conducted extensive research on the role that neuroscience plays in both the breakup and recovery process. Her research provides answers to why we may feel like we are addicted to our ex-partner. The neurotransmitters that are activated when someone is withdrawing from drugs are similar to the ones that are affected during a breakup. You are not going crazy if you feel like you are addicted to your ex. Longing to reconnect with your ex causes you to obsess about finding ways to get back together. The good news is that the cravings for your ex-partner will subside over time.

3. Express your feelings.
   No one wants to experience pain, but right now you are overwhelmed by excruciating pain. Consequently, it is tempting to block your feelings. However, avoiding your feelings will prolong the grieving process. In order to pave the way forward, you must acknowledge the myriad of intense feelings that follow this loss. We regulate our emotions through accurate labeling, which results in reducing the intensity of these painful feelings. Don’t block your tears—there is absolutely no shame in crying. In fact, it is your body’s way of soothing itself. When you cry, you release oxytocin and endorphins. These neurotransmitters help to reduce pain and promote a sense of well-being.

4. Cut-off all communication with your ex.
   It is tempting to continue to follow your ex on social media, but to put it bluntly, it is a bad idea. Each time you see your ex, you plunge back into despair and hopelessness. The more exposure you have to your ex-partner’s social media posts, the more stuck you will feel. Part of rewiring your brain has to do with limiting contact with your ex. Remember, social media posts can be misleading and impede your recovery. Simply put, unfollow your ex on ALL social media. Completing this task is imperative. You may even want to block your ex on all of your accounts. In fact, this is not a bad time to take a break from social media altogether. Your brain needs a break from all of that input.

5. Tackle toxic shame.
   Feeling rejected is one of the most painful of all human emotions. We become consumed with self-critical thoughts that ramp up feelings of shame. In fact, Brene Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection, defines shame as “the fear of being unlovable.” These feelings trigger negative thoughts of a self-punishing nature.  Shame causes you to feel that you are somehow flawed and unworthy of love. Yes, the relationship ended, but it has nothing to do with your worthiness. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that things were all your fault. Pay attention to your automatic, negative thoughts. It helps to identify “all-or-nothing thinking,” which is generally characterized by the use of “always” and “never.” Because these types of thoughts are often untrue, and not based on facts, they serve to increase anxiety and can even cause depression. It might feel like you have a negative tape playing in your head filled with self-critical thoughts. Try to bring your attention to the present and ask yourself, “What do I need to do right now, in this moment to feel better?” As you release shame, you will feel more focused and empowered.

6. Cultivate gratitude through journaling.
   When you express your feelings in a written form, your emotions become more manageable, allowing you to make sense of difficult events. Writing provides you with a structure, so you can see events as having a beginning, middle, and end. Crafting a coherent narrative of what went down helps you to make sense of your situation. No matter where you are in the grieving process, you actually have the capacity to hold space for gratitude. In fact, listing the things that make you feel grateful reduces stress and improves mood. Writing in a journal does not need to be an elaborate process. Simply taking the time to list three things for which you are grateful can do the trick.  For example, you might feel grateful about finishing a challenging project at home or at work. You might look at your pet and think, “Wow, I am so blessed to have you.” Be mindful of “taking in the good,” such as beautiful things in nature. Taking in the good helps you to stay focused in the present instead of ruminating about the past.

7. Reconnect with yourself.
   You had a life before your relationship began—your identity was separate from your partner. However, being in a difficult relationship takes a lot of energy, thus causing you to lose your sense of self. It is natural to feel lonely at times and want to be a “we” again. Now is the time to remember what you are passionate about. What did you love to do that got lost in your relationship? Engaging in activities that you enjoy helps to rewire your brain, allowing you to experience joy again. Are there friendships that you were not able to nurture before the breakup? You now have an opportunity to recapture those friendships. You have the freedom to grow and develop your interests and even discover new things that you love to do. Remember to give yourself the same compassion you would give to a dear friend who is going through a difficult time.  You deserve to be loved and respected.